Meet the Normandy
by keita52
Summary: The 'Meet the Team' videos with Mass Effect characters. It's not really a crossover because no Team Fortress 2 characters appear, but the format owes everything to TF2. All canon liberties taken in the name of humor.
1. Meet the Krogan

This is pure crack and I have no excuse for it. Especially not when I should be working on other big crossover projects.

I own nothing. Bioware and Valve get all the credit for creating such memorable characters.

* * *

><p><em>Alliance News Network presents - MEET THE NORMANDY<em>

_Exclusive profiles of the heroes fighting alongside Commander Shepard to stop the Reaper invasion and save the galaxy! Featuring a new hero every week! Subscribe to BATTLESPACE and never miss a moment from the front lines!_

_[D.A. notes- Look, I'm all about boosting ratings, but I'm not so sure this was a good idea. Some of these people are absolute lunatics. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're on our side, but I'm not sure we want to be glamorizing their behavior. For example: this is all I could get out of the great krogan leader Urdnot Wrex.]_

_SETTING: A cargo hold on the Normandy. URDNOT WREX sits on top of a crate, holding his shotgun in one hand._

WREX: I'm Urdnot Wrex, and this [_holds up shotgun_] is my M-300 Claymore. The krogan are the only race that can fire it without _cheating_ and getting some lame modifications. Only fires one round at a time, but [_looks intently at camera_] that's all I need. [_Chuckles_]

ALLERS: I was hoping to ask about your efforts to unify the krogan clans -

WREX: [_lifts shotgun again_] Was someone messing with my shotgun? I bet it was that turian. He thinks he's _so_ funny. I'll have to think of something good to pay him back with.

ALLERS: Can you explain your decision to -

WREX: [_Leans forward and stares directly at camera_] People don't think much of the krogan. They think we're just big dumb brutes who can be pushed around. But I haven't met anyone who can push back against _this_. [_Lifts hand_. _A blue biotic corona flares outwards towards the camera, which falls over. ALLERS can be heard cursing in the background._]

WREX: [_laughs loudly_]

_END SCENE_


	2. Meet the Prothean

[_D.A. notes- Another one I couldn't get to stay on topic. I don't know what made you think he would want to discuss anything other than fighting._]

_COMBAT FOOTAGE:_ _A Collector raises its arm in triumph. Moments later a particle beam rips through and disintegrates it. _

_CUT TO Another cargo hold on the Normandy, this one covered in mist. JAVIK leans against a wall, looking away from the camera._

JAVIK: In my cycle we would always fight when victory was assured. And we knew a great deal more about fighting than _you_ did, because we perfected it by crushing all the lesser races until they begged for mercy. Which we did not give.

_COMBAT FOOTAGE:_ _JAVIK_ _throws out his hand and a green cloud races forward, engulfing a Cerberus trooper. The trooper screams in agony and then falls to the ground._

JAVIK: [_scornfully_] Primitives.

_CUT TO the cargo hold on the Normandy. JAVIK is still leaning against the wall._

JAVIK: Then we took the animals from planets we conquered as the spoils of war and pitted them against one another for sport. And made the natives watch. Their tears of agony were delicious.

_COMBAT FOOTAGE: JAVIK runs forward with rifle in hand. Offscreen, a voice calls 'Turret ahead!' JAVIK pulls out another grenade and throws it at the turret. A moment later, a Cerberus Engineer can be seen floating in the air._

_CUT TO_ _the cargo hold on the Normandy. JAVIK is crouched near the ground, staring into the beady eyes of Shepard's space hamster._

JAVIK: This is clearly a creature of great intelligence. We should not have missed this one.

ALLERS: … the hamster?

JAVIK: _Space_ hamster. Successful adaptation to low gravity conditions makes it a threat. [_JAVIK continues to stare at the hamster, then looks away._] But the Commander would be very displeased if I dealt with it as it deserves. Perhaps it also has mind-control powers. [_looks at the camera_] We are done here.

_END SCENE_

[_D.A. notes- I'm almost positive the bastard was trolling me._]


	3. Meet the Quarian

_SETTING: Nighttime on a rocky planet. TALI'ZORAH VAS NORMANDY is sitting on a rock with her omni-tool lifted. The theme from FLEET AND FLOTILLA is playing._

TALI: Look, I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems.

[_A Marauder yells in the distance._]

TALI: And I'm a quarian, so I'm practical. We tend not to waste time on philosophical debates when almost every moment of our time is spent simply trying to survive.

[_The Marauder yells again, closer this time. TALI looks over her shoulder and taps on her omni-tool. An orange combat drone materializes in front of her, then floats away behind her. The Marauder yells again, then there is a loud thump and the combat drone returns to TALI._]

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty one kills.

TALI: Good job, Chittika. [_looks back at camera_] So. I solve practical problems. Like - how do I stop the Reapers from tearing a hole in my suit?

[_A Husk comes shambling from behind. The combat drone lifts up and moves toward the Husk. The drone's electrical shock puts the Husk on the ground._]

TALI: The answer: deploy a combat drone.

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty two kills.

[_A Brute roars offscreen._]

TALI: And if that won't work…

[_Loud thumps announce the Brute's arrival. The combat drone floats forward and deploys a rocket. The Brute falls to the ground with one final roar._]

TALI: … upgrade the combat drone.

COMBAT DRONE: Twenty three kills.

TALI: You've already seen Chittika vas Paus in action. She used to be just a standard-issue combat drone. But like I said -

[_A group of Husks charges forward into the light. The combat drone shocks each of them in turn. One of them breaks past and runs for TALI, who brings out a shotgun and blasts it in the face. The Husk drops to the ground with a final moan._]

TALI: [_smugly_] Quarians are very good at focusing on survival.

END SCENE


End file.
